It has become apparent to me that I have a drinking problem. It's tough to admit, but I took a good, hard look at the facts and I've come to this inescapable conclusion: I don't drink enough.
My intake of dihydrogenoxide is way below the daily requirement. That's water, by the way, just in case you're one of the lucky people who received an e-mail urging the ban of dihydrogenoxide because, among other reasons, it has been found in tumors and is a major component of acid rain.
Similar e-mails warn that 75 percent of Americans are chronically dehydrated and can't tell the difference between thirst and hunger pangs. According to most of these messages, people should be drinking eight 8-ounce glasses of water daily.
A little searching led me to some online calculators that were more specific and a little scary. One site, part of a marketing campaign for a green tea-based diet program, suggested that based on my weight and exercise level, I should be drinking 20 8-ounce glasses of water a day.
Gosh, that seems like a lot. How will I ever drink that much water? If only there were some sort of green tea-based diet supplement to help me get through all that!
There's a grain of truth in all this hysteria. Most of us could stand to drink more water, but stressing about how to choke down a few gallons a day is counterproductive. We get a lot of the water we need in the food we eat. Truth is, a few glasses a day will keep you from shriveling up like an earthworm on the sidewalk.
It doesn't have to be pure, unadulterated water, either. Nearly anything you drink (except booze, sorry) provides about the same amount of hydration as water. Water does have the added benefit of no artificial flavors or colors and it has zero calories, so you're still better off choosing H2O over diet chocolate soda.
The eight 8-ounce glass rule is one of those strange myths that gets repeated as sound medical advice, despite the fact that no one can find where it came from. It's a fairly harmless myth, though. Yes, you need to drink more water, particularly here in the desert, but your body is generally pretty good about letting you know when it's time to suck down a cold one.
A number of diets recommend drinking massive amounts of water for various pseudo-science reasons. Go ahead.
The human body is self-regulating in this regard. If you drink more than your body can use, it will find its way out of you. That's as specific as I can get about that in this particular publication, but you know what I'm talking about.
It boils down to this: It's possible, even likely in this climate, that you're not drinking enough water. If you're thirsty, drink. If you're not thirsty, you could drink anyway.
If you think you're going to reap untold medical benefits by processing a few gallons a day, OK, give it your best shot. It won't kill you and there are certainly worse ways to waste water.
For instance, it beats trying to grow a Kentucky Bluegrass lawn in a climate better suited for creosote and sage.
F. Andrew Taylor is a Las Vegas freelance writer. His column appears twice monthly. Contact him at fandrewt@cox.net.
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